This article is satire. While inspired by reality, all characters and events are fictional.
Mental health is obviously the defining crisis of our time, yet every time I bring it up, not a single person cares to sit down for 45 minutes to an hour to discuss the issue on my podcast.
This is why I was so moved when young people across the nation started dumping buckets of cold water on themselves and recording it, nominating each other to perpetuate the ice bucket chain.
Naturally, as my friend group’s No. 1 mental health advocate, it was my idea that we hop on the trend. To my dismay, I discovered these people, and society, weren’t participating in the #SpeakYourMIND challenge for the right reasons.
My friend Ira Tate was nominated first. We splashed her, laughed, shivered and tagged on Instagram. But when the water dried, I received no “Ira Tate mentioned you in her story.”
Two days passed and her feed was flooded, but my phone? Dry. My heart? Dry. My ice bucket? Empty and so dry.
How can you do a trend about mental health and exclude the designated mental health advocate in the friend group?
It is my duty to speak up for the voiceless!
So, I messaged the group chat, calmly educating them en masse, on their ignorance.
Ira had nominated a nobody, an acquaintance at best, Lou Zher. Ira’s solution? Ask him to tag me.
I was not satisfied with her suggestion.
I was annoyed. Reasonably so. Lou isn’t a core member of our group and frankly, he’s a poor on-camera personality, but I remembered the activism I was doing and gave in.
I bought the ice. I even put water in the bucket, and guess what? Lou had the nerve to try backing out.
He said he was nervous to post. “Social anxiety” and “body issues” or something. I gently reminded him how inconsiderate and selfish he was being.
There are people around the world whose lives literally depend on the #SpeakYourMIND ice bucket challenge.
Lou hasn’t emerged from his room since posting his video, but I’m sure he’s fine.
More importantly, Lou nominated me! When I finally uploaded my video, after overcoming the countless challenges and society’s stigma against mental health, nobody swiped up. None of my “friends” even liked it.
I’m starting to suspect they have a separate group chat.
No matter. What do friends have to do with mental health anyway? I didn’t begin this journey for the likes. Besides, martyrs for social justice rarely trend.
I’m starting my own challenge for men’s mental health.
The #ScaldingMenChallenge. We all dump boiling water on ourselves to protest how our friend group is not cool at all right now.
And the cherry on top? I’m not tagging any of them. It’s time the public is finally made aware of this plot to exclude good people from viral trends.
DM me if you’re down to sit down and talk on my pod.
