A few students with too much free time voted in the De Anza College Student Body Senate election. The results will be posted after candidates end their little tantrum at the grievance meeting.

Regardless of the results, it’s going to be another year of senators wasting time by arguing over trivial issues in an attempt to hold onto what little power they think they might have.

It’s amazing, all this drama just for a student government. If anyone is familiar with the concept of student government, it’s basically a popularity contest where your most overachieving or unbearable classmates are elected to set dates where students have to dress up like clowns for a pizza party. But it does look good on your college transcripts for those with no athletic ability.

The difference is that the Senate has a $1 million budget to determine what days we dress up like clowns. But because of bureaucracy and everyone crying over nothing, even this can’t really be accomplished.

Why is it like this? Because the candidates give the same manufactured speeches about giving a damn about student needs. But really, they just want some so-called prestige. Sure, there are a few who really care. Maybe two.

Now, some might argue that I should get involved in student government and run for office, since I’m complaining about its inefficiency. Personally, I’m the last person you want charge of a $1 million budget, and for good reason.

But first, I feel you should know a little about my electoral history. Since my first year in middle school, I was nominated every year to be a class representative only to be elected vice-representative during my senior year in high school. I was called upon once to represent my class, but I chose to ditch that day to celebrate 4/20.

I know it sounds unprofessional, but at least I’m being honest about my habits. I’m not a hard-working, clean-cut, honors student with high morals, but a misanthrope who gets wasted every weekend.

If I were ever to run for student office, my promise would be to bring the system to anarchy just to purge it of the bureaucracy, hence allowing opportunity to rebuild it from dust without the flaws that plagued it to begin with.

Hypothetically, if elected, my first action would be removing my elected opposition out of office with some bogus sex scandal. Then, I will improve security by purchasing a tank for the campus police (since if Campbell Police has one, we should have one too).

Next, I will authorize the construction of a pub on campus opposed to some useless house of worship that some have hoped for. Why? There are plenty of churches across the street, so students should not be lazy and ask for one here. The closest bar, on the other hand, is miles away.

If there are any funds left over, it will all be directed toward a secret lobster fund. The fund will be used for a lobster dinner at every Wednesday Senate meeting.

The only way the Senate will ever be reformed is by the actions of a coalition with students who actually care or by a sociopath like me introducing a little anarchy. If students are incapable of saving their own government, then the administration should just abolish the Senate and have a responsible administrator take over their duties.

In the end, all we can do is watch as the world burns.