Disclaimer: youwon’t like thisarticle if youthink politics isall hugs, loveand cuddling
It’s election season onceagain at De Anza College, amagical time when empiresrise, regimes fall and power isusurped.
It’s time for the annual As-sociated Student Body Sen-ate elections, and prospectivestudent rulers are wonderinghow can they run a successfulcampaign.
History shows that there arenumerous avenues open tothose seeking power, or – forsome strange reason – look-ing to make a selfless, positiveimpact on society.
So whether you dream atnight of crossing the Alps withNapoleon or crusading forcivil rights with Bobby Ken-nedy, you’ll need the help ofthe craftiest, shrewdest, mostcalculating political theoristsin history in order take office:Sun-Tzu, Niccolo Machiavelliand of course, Karl Rove. Be-low are some practical adapta-tions of their “greatest hits.”
1. Basing your campaignon earning the public trustis inefficient. A far easier andmore dependable method is tosimply crush the campaigns ofall competing candidates.The CIA doctrine of dirtytricks preaches that all goodcampaigns begin with subtleacts of psychological warfareintended to cause stress anduncertainty, so here at DeAnza you might consider re-moving the parking stickersfrom the cars of your electoralopponents.Coat hanger needed to opena car door: 25 cents. Seeingthe expression on the face ofsomeone getting a $100 park-ing ticket: priceless.
2. In this day and agedefamation of character isas easy as one, two, three.Steal your opponent’s librarycard and use it to check outhundreds of books relatedto terrorism and explosives.Then, sit back and enjoy theshow as the local FBI field of-fice converges on his/her placeof residence.
3. At some point, youmay be tempted to offer anopinion on an issue. Don’tgive in! As any successful of- ficeholder can tell you, there’snothing more certain to end apolitical career than an actualplatform. A good candidate islike the Pope. No one reallyunderstands what he’s saying,but there’s some stuff aboutworld peace and ending hun-ger in there, and listening tohim gives you a warm, fuzzyfeeling inside.
4. Thanks to digital technol-ogy, modern electioneeringis all about three words:Photoshop,Photoshop,Photoshop.Remember though – what-ever you do, don’t get caught.”The Prince must never causehimself to be hated,” said Ma-chiavelli, and these are wordsevery candidate should live by.These, or Shaggy’s “Wasn’tme.” Good luck and congratu-lations in advance to all thoseelected. And to those not -happy coup d’e?tat!
STUDENT ELECTIONSTIMELINECampaign start: May 6Election week: May 14-18Election results: May 23
