Aquarius – Sleeping has been troublesome lately, as haunting dreams of your ex seem to be a common theme these nights. Try painting or playing an instrument to relieve the extra energy, and you will be surprised as you stumble across one of the most genius works of art in the history of mankind.
Pisces – For you, each day will bring a new ominous omen — a prefiguring portent, if you will — a foreboding premonition of a dark augur of … an undelicious cookie. The horror!
Aries – Tomorrow, you are in danger of being hit by a falling bladder. Or maybe a ladder — the planets had a cold, so it was hard to tell what they were saying.
Taurus – A rich distant relative will pass away. Due to an unfortunate error in the lawyer’s office, his will will contain a provision that you can only inherit his fortune if you spend the night in a haunted emu. This will pose some difficulties.
Gemini – You will have a brilliant insight which will be wasted after you ditch class to go to eat pizza. At least you will be full.
Cancer – You will be attacked by a three-foot-tall angry chicken. You will vanquish it, and be eating giant fried chicken when its mom comes to you seeking revenge. It’ll be kind of like Beowulf, but with you and huge chickens.
Leo – Meerkats! Meerkats pouring from every corner! Meerkats swarming over the tabletops! Meerkats piling into cars and driving them as only crazed meerkats can! It’ll be quite an unusual Wednesday, what with all the meerkats and all.
Virgo – On Tuesday let us go then, you and I, when the evening is spread out across the sky like a patient etherized upon a table, and party.
Libra – This week you discover Santa Claus perished after getting stuck in your chimney on his way out. Too bad you didn’t notice the eight tiny reindeer pawing frantically at your roof.
Scorpio – Congratulations! This week, you won’t become a crack addict, file for bankruptcy, or be struck by a meteor. Not all at once, anyway.
Sagittarius – A spider will lay eggs in your face this week. Or maybe just in your house. Somewhere in your general vicinity, for sure.
Capricorn – Sometime this week, you will be abducted by aliens. They won’t probe you or anything, they’ll just ask you to explain the meaning of pudding. It will be a brutal and terrifying experience nonetheless, because of your crippling fear of pudding.