Welcome to La Botomy, La Voz’s satire publication whose name was voted on in the De Anza Discord server.
Disclaimer: In case it isn’t obvious, this is satire. We made this up.
We invite you to read this piece with an open(ed) mind.
In a swift move to address student concerns, De Anza administration has given the college’s queer community a set timeline for when the gender-neutral bathroom near the L-quad will be fixed.
Laid out in the timeline, administration expects the bathroom to be operational again by fall quarter 2099.
“Our students kept telling us, ‘If you don’t do anything about this, you have to wonder how people will remember you in, say, 75 years,’” Justin Beaver, a communications representative for the administration, said. “Just like that, a light bulb went off for everyone in the room.”
Trans, genderqueer and nonbinary students taking classes in the L quad’s closest gender-neutral bathroom is currently at the Panda Express across the street.
Outlined in the timeline are 25 separate opportunities for student feedback; it is set up so that students are able to comment every three years on the progress or status of the project.
“I really like how they give the student body so many opportunities for input,” Kante Rarie Ahn, 19, a business major, said. “That way, if a future student body or future administration decides, ‘Hey, we don’t care about our genderqueer, trans and nonbinary students as much anymore,’ they have all the power to go with it instead of being locked into a decision that some administrators and some students made forever ago.”
The project allocates $5.14 for refurbishing costs, with $66,666 set aside in case a future administration opts for demolition.
“The demolition allocation is higher, in case future costs balloon as the dollar devalues over the next 75 years. We want to ensure that a future board has that much to work with,” Beaver said. “As for why we’ve only set aside $5.14 for refurbishing; stop asking about that, it’s under investigation. I will not be talking about this anymore.”
Another $69,420 is reserved to turn the space where the gender-neutral bathroom occupies into a “study cubby” or “Zoom space.”
“If I’m being honest, I hope that inflation eats away at the money before then; that way, we can just say we did it without and our hands will be tied,” Beaver said. “Oh, f–k, I wasn’t supposed to say that out loud. Can you cut that from the article?”
Beaver then asked La Botomy staff to conduct the rest of the interview off the record.
“I really don’t get why they can’t just pee in a bush or something,” Barbie Khyu, 23, an assistant police liaison and paralegal student said. “After all, their motto is, ‘Be gay, do crime.’ Public indecency seems pretty criminal to me.”
The President’s office could not be reached for comment. The office voicemail prompt said, “Hi, if you’re getting this message, that’s because I’m having a blast in New York. If you’re from California leave me and my suit collection alone. Otherwise, leave a message at the tone.”
So far, the administration has invested the $5.14 into various cryptocurrencies, in hopes that it will grow large enough to buy actual cleaning equipment and hire janitors.
“I don’t have to go p–ss in 75 years; I have to go p–ss right now,” Arson Tran, 19, a film major, said. “If I’m confronted with a choice of either being bullied in a gendered bathroom, using the trashed gender-neutral one — it still looks like something from a horror film, by the way — or walking all the way to Panda Express, you (had) better expect me to just p–ss myself in class.”
