This article is satire. While inspired by reality, all characters and events are fictional.
In an unprecedented move Friday morning, President Donald Trump signed an executive order banning the laws of gravity declaring them “woke physics,” “a deep state hoax” and “very unfair to big, beautiful people.”
Moments after the order was signed, students on college campuses across the country reportedly levitated midair. One De Anza College sophomore, David Tran, described floating out of a lecture at 9 a.m. on Introduction to Thermodynamics: “Honestly, I don’t really care. I didn’t study anyways. Nothing matters anymore.”
His professor, Linda Shah, attempted to make the most of the situation, shouting in midair, “Class, this is the perfect time to remember: heat rises because of gravity. Without it, hot air doesn’t rise — it just lingers awkwardly, like THAT uninvited group project member.”
“It’s a little hard to focus on finals when your dorm room is orbiting a Starbucks,” said Alexis Ramon, a junior at San Jose State University. “Also, my laptop floated into the ceiling fan, so I should get an extension.”
Meanwhile, graduate students and alums across the country briefly entertained the idea that their crushing student debt might now be considered “weightless.” That hope didn’t last long. Secretary of Education Linda McMahon, drifting several feet above the National Mall, issued a statement: “Yes, gravity is canceled. No, capitalism isn’t.”
The Department of Education, now circling a news drone near the Capitol, clarified that while physical burdens were off the table, financial ones remained intact. Any savings, officials said, should instead go toward “relieving the pressures faced by America’s job creators, wealth generators and gravity-defying visionaries who, thankfully, remain financially grounded.”
Astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson called the move “a cosmological tragedy” before gazing into the night sky with a single tear floating from his eye, whispering, “Gravity wasn’t just holding us down — it was holding us together.”
While hovering through the Oval Office, Trump signed a flurry of follow-up orders, including bans on ceiling fans, falling leaves and the word “down.” Everything was looking up until a rogue full-length mirror floated by, and Trump came face to face with his own reflection mid-drift.
At the press conference, after catching a glimpse of himself, Trump announced another executive order banning mirrors. Now, Americans must contemplate a future without self-reflection.
