Breaking news: Where wit crackles and laughter roars, satire strikes!

The Roarackle is a satire column created in fall 2023 to poke fun at De Anza-related and/or contemporary social issues.

Samuel Suh is a fifth-year communications major at the University of California, Santa Barbara and a copy editor and freelancer at La Voz News.

The views expressed in The Roarackle do not reflect those of La Voz News.

I used to be against self-driving cars, but then I met Tesla drivers.

Whether it’s running red lights with reckless abandon, turning through five lanes of traffic without a single signal, or parking at the charging station even when the car is fully charged just because the rest of the parking lot is full, you can spot one from a mile and a half away.

Tesla drivers narrowly beat out speeding traps and flash floods to be the single most hazardous condition you are likely to ever encounter on the road.

Some people argue that self-driving cars are dangerous. Sure. But are they more dangerous than Tesla drivers? Of course not!

Studies have shown that about nine driverless car crashes occur per million miles driven; compare that to an average of nine near-death experiences caused by Tesla drivers every time I pull out of my own driveway.

If Alexa causes an accident, at least I’ll know that it was really an honest mistake, not some schmuck in a Tesla who was too busy staring at their built-in touchscreen to watch the road.

To be fair, it’s not entirely their fault: Sources have disclosed that Elon Musk personally ordered the development of the built-in, massive, state-of-the-art mini-televisions in order to cause more car crashes.

And when your car gets totaled by a Tesla driver, your only option is to join them yourself because of the lucrative tax break California offers.

It’s like a dangerous religion.

Since the only reason Tesla drivers drive is to be a menace to literally every other vehicle on the road, wouldn’t it be better to just let them sit back and twiddle their thumbs while Siri takes the wheel? This arrangement has been projected to dramatically reduce the incidence of car crashes worldwide.

Given these grim statistics, we may have to take drastic measures! In the interest of self-preservation, I suggest we move to legalize self-driving cars immediately. Good old, God-fearing average Joe can keep burning his clean, patriotic fossil fuels, and the psychopaths who own Teslas can finally fully immerse themselves in the simulation.

It’s a win-win.