*disclaimer: these opinions are 100 percent SATIRE. Only the authors’ names are real, and we’re actually not so sure about that, either.*

It’s totally real, dudeby Jay Donde

Everyone knows that global warming is going to kill us. As Ron Burgundy says, it’s science, just like the fact the women have brains one third the size of men’s. Sure, there are some skeptics out there, but nine out of 10 sciencologists agree: the sun is going to literally melt the earth by the year 2020. A new report published by NASA states that this cataclysmic event is probably going to resemble the huge tsunami scene from the film “The Day After Tomorrow.” According to the authors of the report, it’s going to be “pretty awesome.”

The best way to prevent this catastrophe is to stop breathing. By doing so, you’ll be reducing your personal carbon emissions by over 100 percent and helping to eliminate the potentially fatal effects of global warming on you and your loved ones.

No freakin’ wayby Julia Eckhardt

Global warming is as real people who buy Fran Drescher films.

Theories are fabricated by Chicken Littles – or, as you might call them, “scientists” – just waiting for the sky to fall on their heads.

Didn’t scientists also tell you that Pluto was a planet, and then take it back? It’s because they’re take-backers, and they take back what they say.

Scientists are liars and sensationalists, and I’m all about facts, because I’m a journalist. In journalism, we like a little thing called truth. I don’t want to be the one to crack the egg, but guess what? It gets hot sometimes, and sometimes it’s cold. It’s called weather, maybe you’ve heard of it. Weather is a fact, and I stand by the facts.