Last week, not long after the indefatigable-if-nothing-else Ralph Nader announced his campaign for the presidency on Tim Russert’s Meet the Press, the inevitable reactions emerged from both the left and right wings of the political spectrum.

The Republican response was predictably oxymoronic, and could only be described as “reserved jubilation” (according to cultural anthropologists, this emotion exists only in response to two highly unique stimulus paradigms, those being either a) the discovery that Ralph Nader is – yet again – running for president, or b) the passage of major – yet silent -gas during a substantially important business meeting).

On the other hand, the Democratic response was somewhat more outspoken and emphatic, and, if I recall correctly, consisted of something along the lines of “WHY RALPH?!? WHY?!?”

Meditating upon this inquiry, a startling – and I must say, disturbing – notion entered my thoughts. No matter how hard I tried, as I recalled the presidential campaign of year 2000 (shudder) I couldn’t shake from my mind the image of Ralph Nader telling America (with a straight face) that there was no difference between George W. Bush and Al Gore.

“WHY RALPH?!? WHY?!?”

Why, indeed. Perhaps, I began to ponder, there is more to this Ralph Nader character than meets the eye. So I decided to engage in a little investigative journalism.

From the outset, I found suspicious inconsistencies in Nader’s official biography. For instance, did you know that Nader was born in Connecticut, the only state in the union with a conspicuously (and needlessly) silent consonant? Why the secretiveness, Mr. Nader? What are you and your fellow Yankees trying to hide?

Moreover, Nader claims that his parents were Lebanese immigrants, yet also claims they were Christian, which is just absurd – because everyone knows that if you live in the Middle East you’re either Muslim or Jewish. Duh.

Lastly, there is the 2004 episode of Bill Maher’s “Real Time” in which Maher and some fat guy named Michael Moore are on their knees (literally) begging (also literally) Nader not to run for president.

In my mind, all of these clues could point in only one direction. The evidence was incontrovertible: paranoid secretiveness, comical ignorance regarding world affairs, the ability to bring prominent Democrats to their knees. Are you ready for this?

Ralph Nader is Karl Rove.

That’s right. I know – I just blew your mind. But if you think about it for a moment, all will become clear. Just consider: why don’t we ever see Ralph Nader and Karl Rove standing together in the same photograph? Washington D.C. is a pretty tight community, you’d expect that those two would run with the same crowds, wouldn’t you?

Whenever the Republicans know it’s the Democrats’ year to take the White House, they pull out the big guns. It happened in 2000, when it was Gore’s election to lose, and it’s happening now, in 2008, when Americans are running away from Bush’s Republican party like the citizens of Tokyo do from Godzilla.

So just remember, when the November election rolls around, and it’s time to pick the next leader of the free world, a vote for Ralph Nader is a vote for Karl Rove. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m still hoping for a Cheney-Rumsfeld ticket.