With the holidays drawing painfully closer every day, we begin to think more about the important things in life like family, generosity and love. But there’s one essential point of the holidays that doesn’t come to mind immediately: alcohol.

Despite what baseball fans think, drinking is America’s favorite pastime. The holidays provide us with a perfect venue to express our inner primate, often drawing a laugh or three from the designated drivers and the alcoholically abstinent. 

That being said, there’s an issue I must address. If you drink and aren’t able to handle yourself while under the influence, your friends will not like drinking with you. It’s a fact. Here are some things to keep in mind.

First, don’t be the one who says stuff like “Man, I drink vodka like it’s water!” and brag about your capacity for consumption. You’re probably the creep at the party trying to bang anything with legs, regardless of whether they’re made of flesh, wood or plastic. And yeah, hooking up at a party is moderately socially acceptable, but if you smell like vomit, rubbing alcohol, urine and a Kid Rock concert, I honestly don’t think anyone you may snag would be worth waking up next to. 

And if you’ve ever woken up next to someone that smelled like vomit, rubbing alcohol, urine and a Kid Rock concert, you should probably begin to question what you’re doing with your life, and the pathetic wreck you’ve become.

Second, no one likes a crying drunk, except for the aforementioned party pawn. Parties are not a venue for you to talk about dead relatives, pets or friendships. If this is you, be aware that you while under the influence, are an incredible burden to the people you call your friends. They may comfort and console you, but every time you take a swig from that plastic bottle, their stomach sinks. Then again, empathy has its limits, so please don’t push your friends too far; otherwise you’ll end up drinking alone. And chances are, you won’t be able to get away with drinking alone. You aren’t Tom Waits.

Third, learn how to shut up. I understand that your mood is lifted, but don’t forget about your inside voice. I know you’re losing your inhibitions, but doing something like throwing a knife at your guitarist during a show just really doesn’t show good judgment. Everybody makes mistakes though, and they can be forgiven unless the mistakes are repeated every single time.

Why bring this up now? Well like I said, it’s the holidays and there’s bound to be a lot of drinking. Just ask any grocery store manager about their projected alcohol sales. You may go to a Christmas party, you may go to a New Year’s party; but either way, please take this to heart. Don’t be that guy, don’t be that girl, your friends will thank you for it.