Dear Spawn of Kimye,
Even though we’ve never met, I know today is your 16th birthday. I know this because, well, everybody knows your business. Paparazzi were taking pictures of you before you were even born.
I can’t afford a gift that someone with rich parents doesn’t already have, so I’ve decided to give you something priceless: advice.
They say the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, so I hope for your sake that you at least had the sense to roll around a little bit after you hit the ground.
Don’t get me wrong; I’m not saying your parents are terrible people. Well actually, I guess I am. You can’t tell me you haven’t seen the signs.
Remember that one time, when you asked for Taylor Swift’s autograph and got hella dissed? That’s daddy’s fault. If you don’t believe me, just Google: Kanye vs. Taylor.
Or how about the time someone hacked into your cell phone? You were no random target. Let’s just say they wanted to find out if you’re an “actress,” like mommy. Don’t Google that one. Trust me.
I know your folks are rich and famous, but that doesn’t mean you should always follow their example. In fact, you should do the opposite. Buy shoes that fit. Get an education, no matter what daddy’s album says. Don’t have a fake wedding. And wait until AFTER the telethon is over before you tell everyone how evil the president is.
I’m not saying your parents don’t have good qualities. Your daddy is a really talented dude. Just ask him. He’ll tell you. To a beat. He pointed hip-hop in a creative and exciting direction. It’s just that he’s a raging narcissist. That’ll slide if you have talent, but if you fell a little closer to the mommy tree, you might want to practice a little humility. After mommy went well over her 15 minutes of fame, there was no more pointless fame left over for anyone else.
You actually have to be good at something nowadays. I know that seems obvious to you, but back in 2013, you didn’t have to do jack to be famous. You had to do Ray J. Don’t Google that.
My best advice to you is to be good at something, like brain surgery or shooting hoops. If you ever need lessons, just ask your mommy for my number.
