12 most likely ways TO DIE at De Anza College

1.  Overdosed on caffeine

I’ll pull an all-weeker (like an all-nighter, but times seven), and my heart will give out shortly after my eyes begin to vibrate after drinking my 53rd Philz pour over.

 2. Killed by math

Literally, like, in any math class.

3.  Withered while waiting for a guidance at counseling appointment

I’ll go peacefully in my old age, counting my gray hairs on the thirtieth anniversary of when I first stepped into line.

4.  Murdered by a wandering pack of hipsters

One day soon, I’m quite likely to be overheard talking about how vinyl really is more work than it’s worth and be beaten to death by a group bedecked in post-ironic apparel with their eight hoverboards.

5.  Crushed under the weight of notes

The papers stack up pretty quick. The trees will have their revenge on me yet, I just know it.

6.  Run over at the C-Lot intersection

Student drivers flying through at twice the speed limit and hundreds of pedestrians walking through every day; I see nothing that could go wrong here. Except for my gruesome demise, of course.

7.  Run over on any of the other roads on campus

Seriously, I feel like there’re accidents here like, every week. This is really going to end badly for my spleen.

 8. Found lost and starved in the library

There were renovations that have just finished, and I am, as they say, directionally challenged. I imagine there will be man hunts, and I’ll be forced to forage for snacks left behind by absent minded students studying for finals late into the evening.

9. Electrocuted by one of my 800 unnecessary electronics

Like any true Silicon Valley-er, I ensure that I have on me at least ten times the number of gadgets I need at any point in time. The shoddy construction that we had sent over from china will inevitably electrocute me, and my deep fried crispy corpse will forever be left undiscovered in the vacant halls of the tutoring center everyone tells themselves they’ll go use eventually, but never do.

10. Deprived of protein

I’m tempted to go vegan; it seems like everyone else on campus is. Eventually I’ll cave, and my lack of delicious meat-based protein will do me in.

11. Shot

Last time I checked, De Anza was still located in America …

 12. Drowned in an empty fountain

I mean, we all think there’s no water there, but it’ll be just my luck to find out otherwise the hard way.

Photo Credit: Photo Credit: Graphics by Aitalina Indeeva