The voice of De Anza since 1967.

Life at De Anza under President Trump

October 6, 2016

A year into President Donald Trump’s term, and life on campus has changed drastically.
The volunteer minutemen militia form up outside the library daily, rocket launchers aloft like any proud American, ready to keep the peace and make sure the wall we built around it keeps people out. “Don’t trust books” is a common sentiment; it’s often said that liberals read them on occasion.
Around the cafeteria, banners patriotically declare that we’ve made De Anza great again. Ignore the graffiti please; now that social services have been cut, administration’s not quite sure how to remove it.
Not that all economic policies have fallen flat. Through a new branch of mathematics, known as cuckonomics, President Trump has surprisingly mirrored his former rival Bernie Sanders, and made good on his promise to eliminate all student debt. Who’d’ve thought shouting “YOU’RE FIRED” at an incorporeal concept would have such sweeping socio-economic changes? It’s likely due to his marvelous hair.
Speaking of Trump’s perfect hair, recent news abuzz on campus is that some teachers have been fired for “Unamericanism.” Rumor is, they implied Trump wears a toupee. This obviously isn’t true. Not even slightly, and we at La Voz wouldn’t even think to
imply otherwise.
In other news, Trump has healed the racial tensions in an innovative way; just removing everything that isn’t an eggshell white or lighter. The sagacity of comparing skin color against paint swatches to discern who really deserves an education has lead to unheard of equalness.
In terms of equalness, Trump has taken a very strong stance on women’s rights: namely that they shouldn’t exist. Except when they should. It really depends on who he’s talking to, the time of day, and the current phase of the moon. This also reflects his thoughts on LGBT rights.
Regardless, when one averages out all his statements, Trump becomes a perfectly egalitarian humanist with only slight extreme fascist tendencies and habits, such as his unfortunate decision to tear down the Environmental Center for the raw resources to create a Trump Statue®, which carefully bares the countenance of a resolute leader, all while grasping its own miniature statue of Donald J. Trump. And anyway, its not like the environment really matters regardless.
In any case, President Trump truly has shown his acumen and leadership as he’s guided the campus with his small perfectly normally proportioned hands, and we are all grateful to have him as our President.
Editor’s Note: After publishing this article, La Voz has unfortunately lost its press privileges to Trump’s future speeches. While this is a bit of a constitutional inconvenience, we respect his decision on behalf of the greater good of this country.

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